Time for me? That's funny!

I think it's time to be a little honest with myself here... and others that may read this.  Why is it that I feel it is my responsibility to completely own *everything* because I am a wife and a mother?

(**DISCLAIMER**  My husband is an equal partner.  He does nothing extra for himself and asks nothing of me.  He is giving, loving and patient with me.  He does *so* much in and outside our home for us.  It's completely a 50/50 relationship... actually, more like 110/110 relationship!)

Let me give you a little background on this....

I have three children, now 5, 2.5 and 1.5 and they are the joy in my life.  I have been married to my wonderful husband/partner for going on 8 years now.  I have a full time job and completely enjoy my career.  I have room for growth and potential to do more.  My children are at daycare while we are at work.  My husband is a Director of Youth and Young Adults at our church.  I have realized that it is my job and my ministry to be the bread winner in the family so that he can answer God's call.  My ministry is to my family, my three children and supporting my husband.

I haven't always felt this way.  There were times I was so filled with resentment and anger for many things that I couldn't enjoy my children and my husband.  There were times I dreaded picking them up from daycare and enjoyed dropping them off every morning.  We do not have family that lives in our town.  Both sets of parents are three hours away and each of the grandfathers works full time and the mothers stay at home.  They help as often as they can when we have trials (sickness, etc) where Rob and I have to work and the kids need a caregiver.

It's hard.  When we had our first child, Doodle, I told my husband if we ever had another child, I would be staying home with them.  After we had Bug, I told my husband if we ever had another child, I would stay at home.  Here comes Lil' Brother and I'm still working my tail off.  I won't lie and tell you I haven't carried resentment for that.  But I will tell you that with God's grace and His forgiveness, He HAS washed all my resentment and anger away.  It's a beautiful thing my friends.  I wish that for many of my loved ones... it's such an amazing peace.  

...but I'll save that story for another time... what I really wanted to write about today is why I feel the need to own everything in our home.  Because of my husband's career, he works outside the home Sun-Thurs and Wed and Sun nights he gets home around 10-11pm.  I wrangle all three kids by myself.  98% of the time, I am responsible for picking them up/dropping them off at daycare.  It's challenging.  (Don't get me wrong, before my husband leaves for work those days, he makes sure everything is ready to go for me at home.  Such a sweet sweet thing he does... ) There are some nights I have yelled so loudly at the kids - usually because I feel out of control - and my throat stings afterwards.  That is unacceptable.  But yet... when it comes down to the fact I want a haircut or a pedicure, I refuse to do it because I don't want to leave him home with the three kids while I go "relax" for 45 minutes.  Why do I feel the need to do that?  Is it because I don't want him to "go through" what I have to go through, so I'll just take it?  It certainly isn't because he can't do it... he can!  He's a wonderful father and perfectly intelligent and capable of caring for our babies.

I guess I have a hard time when people say "You deserve this!"  or "You need a break" because I *don't* feel like I deserve it.  I believe this is my job and what I *should* be doing and need to find the rewards in the little things....  anyone else feel like that?  I don't like the "you deserve this or that" because I don't feel we deserve anything... I think we reap what we sow and need to enjoy the time we have now.  I dunno... really looking for others to relate to here... would love any comments.

So many people tell me it's just a season!  But I don't like that... I don't want to look at my children as something that is "just a season that will soon pass" - I want to enjoy this season, and not be wishing for another one to show up so soon.

Journal 6/7 - Tired

When I'm tired, I show some very ugly colors.  The venom that spews from my mouth and the attitude I have just plain sucks and it hurts the very ones that I love the most.

I got 2 hours of sleep last night.  Robbie was tossing and turning all night and just miserable.  You could tell that he just wasn't comfortable.  It's either the diaper rash he's got going on or the fluid in his ears... or both.

I lost my temper with Robbie and with Rob this morning.  Rob heard me say something and call him a name and I don't remember that coming out of my mouth.  It wouldn't be the first time though that I said something in anger and then can't remember what it was.  It's like I have no memory of it... like blacking out after an alcohol binge.

I also have a tendancy to critizse things he does "incorrectly" however if anyone dares say anything to me, I am so quick to shoot it down or have something negative to say.

I've been told that anger is a secondary emotion.  It usually is a response emotion due to other circumstances.  

If I'm honest with myself, I can tell you exactly what those circumstances are....

• I am stressed out about this week at work.
• I got no sleep last night.
• I'm worried about Robbie.
• I'm worried about the financial ruin we're in.
• I'm scared to trust Rob and believe he's putting his family above all else.
• I'm worn down, tired and I feel beaten.

So Rob's idea about this journal is that I'll document what happens in the day and the look up a theme on BibleGateway and find a verse that discusses what I'm dealing with.

I found this one:

Isaiah 30: 20-21

²⁰ Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. ²¹ Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."

I am so tired of feeling sad and hurt.  I am so tired of feeling angry because of those emotions.  I really wish that I could feel some more of God's love today.  I really do.  Right now I feel so far away....

Journal 06/05

I should start off this post by stating how negative I was last night.  I had already made up my mind to NOT go to the beach with Rob and the girls because I had concocted up all these "possible events" of what might or might not happen.  Because of this negativity, I affected those around me.  I went to sleep with the negative in the back of my head and woke up with it too.  I could not WAIT for them to get out of the house so I could have a little peace and quiet.  Sure, I still had Robbie, but I had in my mind a few things I HAD to get done and couldn't do them sufficiently (in my negative head) with them around.

I was already frustrated with Rob from the night before because he was up until 2am on the computer.  Granted, harmless, but I know how he gets when he's tired.  (GRUMPY!)  The girls woke us up this morning and Robbie was still sleeping soundly next to me.  I was so frustrated that I was being woken up when in my head I had this grand idea I'd get to "sleep in."  Granted, I did get to and of course it didn't occur to me that Rob had already gotten up, got the girls ready for the beach, fed them breakfast, packed the car... etc.  I got up, put the girls' hair up in ponytails and helped put sunscreen on.  My mood was OK at that point but not great - not where I should be.  They left and I was FREE to do what I wanted to do.

I folded socks.

Yes.

I folded socks.  That's what I wanted to do.  So instead of having a beach day with my kids, I folded socks.

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't regret not going.  I was tired, Robbie was tired, it was good to be near a bed where I could just nurse him to sleep and I could read my book with no interruptions.

I got some laundry done, I picked up the girls' rooms, I DID get things done and I felt great after I did get those things done.

So then the kids get home with Rob and they've had a great time.  Chaos ensues just like it always does and my negativity comes back.  I make lunch for all of us (easy Pizza!) and Rob is in a foul mood.  You can tell he was trying not to be but he lost his nice flip flops on the beach and he was just mad at himself.  What I wanted to say was "Who cares about the dang flip flops!"  I feed off his moods like there's no tomorrow.  I shouldn't do that and I need to figure out a way around that.  Then he dropped his pizza all over the floor and stormed out.  Poor guy.  I then felt bad about the flip flops... and the pizza.

We said a few short things to one another that were not said with understanding, patience and kindness. Every single time I open my mouth and venom comes out, I regret it.

James 3:3 

Now when we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we also guide the whole animal. 

Jesus Christ's love needs to be my bit.

So anyway, the afternoon continues and it's mostly OK.  I still don't feel very good inside but I try to let things go.  I did yell a few times today at the kids (although justified that I got on to them for x,y,z, I didn't need to yell to accomplish it.

James 3:6-7 

And the tongue is a fire. The tongue, a world of unrighteousness, is placed among the parts of our [bodies]; it pollutes the whole body, sets the course of life on fire, and is set on fire by hell. For every creature—animal or bird, reptile or fish—is tamed and has been tamed by man.

We went to a family baby shower this evening and were surrounded by warm & friendly people.  We got home at bedtime and the kids are peacefully sleeping now.  I am tired.  My body is tired and my mind is tired.  It is time for me to rest.  The night has ended well.

2 Corinthians 6

Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; ⁵in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; ⁶in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; ⁷in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; ⁸through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; ⁹known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; ¹⁰sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything.

'Till tomorrow...

It's been a while

Wow, it's been a while hasn't it?  It feels like I have a lot to say but I'm not quite sure where to start.

Life has taken some turns.  None bad, but not easy either.  I've been angry, sad, happy, elated, scared - gosh it seems I'm all of those things all the time.  I've had some time to really sink down deep into my heart and see some ugly things about me that I know need to change.  I've also seen glimmers of home deep inside me that I cling to knowing that I'm going to make the right choices.

Rob's doing a student ministry internship right now.  It's unpaid but he's learning the ins and outs of student ministry and that's where he needs to be.  We are painfully broke.  Today was a turning point where we both realized it's time to focus on humility and with that I think we're going to make some big changes in our lives.  It's time to simplify.  I don't think we can truly grasp what God's trying to do with our lives if we continue to live the lifestyle we currently are living.

Work is going very well for me.  I really do enjoy what I do and I'm growing each day.

The kids are amazing.  Lil Brother is 7 months old, has four teeth and quite a funny personality.  He's a cuddly little guy and smiles ALL THE TIME.  Bug is 20 months old now and has blossomed.  She is such a trip.  She's starting to talk more and more and communicate well with us which causes less and less tantrums.  Doodle is 4 and boy is she a pistol.  She keeps us on our toes and keeps us humble for sure.

My relationship with my husband is amazing.  We have grown more this year than we ever have and I am so thankful to have a man like him in my life.

Dear Heavenly Father,  please guide me each day as I try to be more and more like Jesus.  I know that it's with Your forgiveness and grace that each day I fail, I seek You and there You are for me.  Every day I stumble.  Every day I need You.  Every day I need to feel Your love.  I am nothing without You.  I cannot be a good wife, a good mother or a good friend without You.  Help me remember to recognize that.  Help me control my tongue and my temper.  Help me love my husband, my children and friends the way Your Son loves us.

My sweet Doodle turned 4!

My sweet and spirited Doodledunk is four.  She turned four yesterday and we celebrated over the weekend with my parents that came into town.  We also celebrated at her school yesterday with blueberry muffins we made the night before.  We luckily were able to piggyback on the Easter party they had a school and didn't need to go overboard.  My husband made a good call too.  We had bought $70+ dollars worth of trinkets, etc to go in homemade goody bags for her (31!!!) classmates but then rethought that decision that it just wasn't necessary and we're going to return the items.  I've never understood why other children get gifts on other kids' birthdays.  

We had been working Doodle up for her birthday for a few weeks now.  We would ask her over and over what she wanted for her birthday and she replied, Speed toys (Lightning McQueen, Cars toys), Dora and Boots, light-up shoes, a pink cake, pink icing and a four candle.  Oh, and an American flag (???).  

It was also our 6th anniversary this weekend so my parents came into town to watch the kids while hubby and I went out.  They got to enjoy the festivities for Doodle's birthday. My mom made a pink cake, pink icing and we had a "four candle". 

 

 
The only thing she didn't get was the American flag.  We're working on that...She also got the cutest phone.  It's a real phone, just a mini version and we hooked it up in the office. It's her grandparent hotline and she loves it.

A coworker let us have her bunk beds and an unused mattress for FREE!  (Thank you GC!)  We took her to Kohl's to pick out a new bedding set and she just thought she was hot stuff.  We ended up going with this set.  She was thrilled to have a big bed with big pillows and a big comforter.

After celebrating at school yesterday, hubby and I left the kids there to run home and do a few things that we usually do during the evenings.  I kind of felt guilty leaving them, but we knew we'd be tired after the evening's activities so I'm so thankful we decided to do that.  After 45 minutes at home, we turned around and picked them up, drove to Monkey Jungle and met my two friends from high school that are here visiting.  It had been since 2001 since I've seen them.  It was so great.  I just wanted to hug them and never let go.  They brought two of their three children and the kids had a blast playing around the place.

We left around 8pm (our kids' usual bedtime) and it was meltdown city.  As we were leaving, the employee gave Doodle a lollipop and we told her she could have it tomorrow.  She promptly took off the wrapper and licked it and daddy threw it away (for not obeying).  The entire way home she cried.  She informed us she wanted to be SIX, skip FIVE and be a grown up so she could drive.  Lil' Brother cried most of the way (he was overtired) and Bug fell asleep.  The only thing we could do was laugh.  Sometimes that's all you can do!

I think she had a fantastic birthday although I think the only thing she remembers is that daddy threw away her lollipop.  *smiles*

Hey God... I'm finally listening

I don't know where to begin.  I have SO much to say.  I have SO much in my jumbled head.  It's good though... it's intimidating, but good.

To anyone that has faced a spiritual battle, any pieces of advice would be great.

Rob has been "called" and I have been called to stand beside Rob and trust God.

I'm not sure what that means but we're trying to listen.  However, I have never been so sure of anything in my entire life.

I am watching Satan try to interfere.  We're muting him, we're beating him and we will be fighting our entire life.
Living a life as a Christ follower is now, all or nothing.  There is no in-between.

I didn't understand it before.  I knew what I needed to do.  I knew what I felt, I just wasn't open.

I had fear.  I had anger.  I had no idea what love really was.  

I no longer have fear.  I no longer have anger.  I know what love is and to think I thought I had a clue.... ha!

God is doing AMAZING things with us right now.  Satan is trying every.single.trick.in.the.book.

Reverence.

Filled with the Holy Spirit.

God's Love.

"Give it to God"

All those things that people had said/preached before were words.  They were words I never truly understood.  Secretly I was jealous that I didn't understand.  I found myself saying, "Is this IT?  All these promises of a life for God and this is IT?"  Well, little did I know that this was exactly what I needed to do to open my heart to Him.

I want to make sure I write down what has happened and how it's made me feel.

I need to put it down because I know the Evil One isn't going to stop trying to destroy us.  We cannot give him a foothold right now.  He has nothing to stand on.

Now is not a time for me to get cocky.  Now is not a time for me to say, "Oh yeah?!  God's using us!  We're good..."

Wrong... the Evil One strikes harder when there's more to lose.

Currently, Rob's reading: When the Enemy Strikes and I'm ordering Armed and Dangerous.

Here's a perfect link to describe what we're going through right now.

The past two days have been mentally exhausting so that our physical body is giving out.

I know now what it means to Trust in God.  And I know now how much I want everyone to feel this way too.  The overwhelming JOY is nothing I've ever felt before, however, I feel the breath of Satan himself breathing down my neck.  I should be scared, but I have God.  I truly do.  

You don't have to agree with me.  You don't have to agree with anything I say.  Honestly, I'm not doing this for you.  It's now for Him. This is my journey and it's incredibly personal.  I'd love for you to share it with me.

Sickies in the house!

Rob is home sick with what they're calling the beginning of a "Bronchial Viral Infection" - oh doesn't that sound awful?!

As I pulled into work this morning, daycare called and said Bug had thrown up three times.  She was fine this morning!  So since Rob's home, he went to pick her up and be home with her. 

I cannot take off work because my would be fill-in is on vacation and my boss is coming next week.  It is not a good time for me to get sick or my kids right now... not that it's ever a good time to get sick...

Hear that world... ?

Now, that I've told the world what she can't do, I'll chat with God.

"Dear God... our house needs to be healthy.  Please bless us with your presence and rid our house of these awful germs!  Amen!"

My Birthday Surprise!

My 30th birthday came and went last weekend.


This weekend was promising to be busy.  My mother in law and father in law came into town Friday and my parents came into town Saturday to be at Bug and Little Brother's baptism (more on that later).  So we had lots of grandparent love and help which was awesome.

Our plan was to do a belated birthday dinner on Saturday night since we'd have automatic babysitters!  We talked about going to a movie or to a bar to listen to live music.  We got home from church, got dressed and went to TacoLu's for dinner.  It's kind-of a bistro Mexican restaurant.  I mean, you don't go there for chicken fajitas.  You go there for seared tuna tacos or avocado tacos.  It was good!

Rob was a weird nervous wreck all day.  He was super hyper and just very anxious (in a good way) all day.  He was driving me up the wall.  Usually I'm the one that's super anxious but for some reason, I was the calm one and he was the stress-case.  We left for dinner and his phone was blowing up.  He mentioned something about going back home to check on the kids and tuck them in and then us going back out to finish the night.  That was all fine and dandy.  I was just goin' with the flow.  We pulled in the neighbor's driveway to get the information to feed their dog (ha!) and I walked in a dark house to all my neighbors and a few friends yelling "Surprise! Happy Birthday!"  I was blown away.... seriously?  Then I looked around and saw my parents and his parents and said, "Um... who has my children?"  They all started laughing and I heard a few "I told you she'd say that!" comments.  Turns out, we had two babysitters at our house next door that I knew (and trusted) and everyone was here to celebrate my birthday.


The night was great.  Lots of friends and lots of small chit chat between groups of people.  It was simple and wonderful.


Thank you honey... the surprise was wonderful and you're an even more wonderful husband.