Monday, June 7, 2010

Journal 6/7 - Tired

When I'm tired, I show some very ugly colors.  The venom that spews from my mouth and the attitude I have just plain sucks and it hurts the very ones that I love the most.

I got 2 hours of sleep last night.  Robbie was tossing and turning all night and just miserable.  You could tell that he just wasn't comfortable.  It's either the diaper rash he's got going on or the fluid in his ears... or both.

I lost my temper with Robbie and with Rob this morning.  Rob heard me say something and call him a name and I don't remember that coming out of my mouth.  It wouldn't be the first time though that I said something in anger and then can't remember what it was.  It's like I have no memory of it... like blacking out after an alcohol binge.

I also have a tendancy to critizse things he does "incorrectly" however if anyone dares say anything to me, I am so quick to shoot it down or have something negative to say.

I've been told that anger is a secondary emotion.  It usually is a response emotion due to other circumstances.  

If I'm honest with myself, I can tell you exactly what those circumstances are....
  • I am stressed out about this week at work.
  • I got no sleep last night.
  • I'm worried about Robbie.
  • I'm worried about the financial ruin we're in.
  • I'm scared to trust Rob and believe he's putting his family above all else.
  • I'm worn down, tired and I feel beaten.
So Rob's idea about this journal is that I'll document what happens in the day and the look up a theme on BibleGateway and find a verse that discusses what I'm dealing with.

I found this one:

Isaiah 30: 20-21
20 Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. 21 Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."

I am so tired of feeling sad and hurt.  I am so tired of feeling angry because of those emotions.  I really wish that I could feel some more of God's love today.  I really do.  Right now I feel so far away....

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Journal 06/05

I should start off this post by stating how negative I was last night.  I had already made up my mind to NOT go to the beach with Rob and the girls because I had concocted up all these "possible events" of what might or might not happen.  Because of this negativity, I affected those around me.  I went to sleep with the negative in the back of my head and woke up with it too.  I could not WAIT for them to get out of the house so I could have a little peace and quiet.  Sure, I still had Robbie, but I had in my mind a few things I HAD to get done and couldn't do them sufficiently (in my negative head) with them around.

I was already frustrated with Rob from the night before because he was up until 2am on the computer.  Granted, harmless, but I know how he gets when he's tired.  (GRUMPY!)  The girls woke us up this morning and Robbie was still sleeping soundly next to me.  I was so frustrated that I was being woken up when in my head I had this grand idea I'd get to "sleep in."  Granted, I did get to and of course it didn't occur to me that Rob had already gotten up, got the girls ready for the beach, fed them breakfast, packed the car... etc.  I got up, put the girls' hair up in ponytails and helped put sunscreen on.  My mood was OK at that point but not great - not where I should be.  They left and I was FREE to do what I wanted to do.

I folded socks.


I folded socks.  That's what I wanted to do.  So instead of having a beach day with my kids, I folded socks.

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't regret not going.  I was tired, Robbie was tired, it was good to be near a bed where I could just nurse him to sleep and I could read my book with no interruptions.

I got some laundry done, I picked up the girls' rooms, I DID get things done and I felt great after I did get those things done.

So then the kids get home with Rob and they've had a great time.  Chaos ensues just like it always does and my negativity comes back.  I make lunch for all of us (easy Pizza!) and Rob is in a foul mood.  You can tell he was trying not to be but he lost his nice flip flops on the beach and he was just mad at himself.  What I wanted to say was "Who cares about the dang flip flops!"  I feed off his moods like there's no tomorrow.  I shouldn't do that and I need to figure out a way around that.  Then he dropped his pizza all over the floor and stormed out.  Poor guy.  I then felt bad about the flip flops... and the pizza.

We said a few short things to one another that were not said with understanding, patience and kindness. Every single time I open my mouth and venom comes out, I regret it.

James 3:3 
Now when we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we also guide the whole animal. 
Jesus Christ's love needs to be my bit.

So anyway, the afternoon continues and it's mostly OK.  I still don't feel very good inside but I try to let things go.  I did yell a few times today at the kids (although justified that I got on to them for x,y,z, I didn't need to yell to accomplish it.

James 3:6-7 
And the tongue is a fire. The tongue, a world of unrighteousness, is placed among the parts of our [bodies]; it pollutes the whole body, sets the course of life on fire, and is set on fire by hell. For every creature—animal or bird, reptile or fish—is tamed and has been tamed by man.

We went to a family baby shower this evening and were surrounded by warm & friendly people.  We got home at bedtime and the kids are peacefully sleeping now.  I am tired.  My body is tired and my mind is tired.  It is time for me to rest.  The night has ended well.

2 Corinthians 6
Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses5in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; 6in purity, understanding, patience and kindnessin the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; 7in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; 8through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; 9known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; 10sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything.

'Till tomorrow...