When I'm tired, I show some very ugly colors. The venom that spews from my mouth and the attitude I have just plain sucks and it hurts the very ones that I love the most.
I got 2 hours of sleep last night. Robbie was tossing and turning all night and just miserable. You could tell that he just wasn't comfortable. It's either the diaper rash he's got going on or the fluid in his ears... or both.
I lost my temper with Robbie and with Rob this morning. Rob heard me say something and call him a name and I don't remember that coming out of my mouth. It wouldn't be the first time though that I said something in anger and then can't remember what it was. It's like I have no memory of it... like blacking out after an alcohol binge.
I also have a tendancy to critizse things he does "incorrectly" however if anyone dares say anything to me, I am so quick to shoot it down or have something negative to say.
I've been told that anger is a secondary emotion. It usually is a response emotion due to other circumstances.
If I'm honest with myself, I can tell you exactly what those circumstances are....
- I am stressed out about this week at work.
- I got no sleep last night.
- I'm worried about Robbie.
- I'm worried about the financial ruin we're in.
- I'm scared to trust Rob and believe he's putting his family above all else.
- I'm worn down, tired and I feel beaten.
So Rob's idea about this journal is that I'll document what happens in the day and the look up a theme on BibleGateway and find a verse that discusses what I'm dealing with.
I found this one:
Isaiah 30: 20-21
20 Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. 21 Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."
I am so tired of feeling sad and hurt. I am so tired of feeling angry because of those emotions. I really wish that I could feel some more of God's love today. I really do. Right now I feel so far away....