Hey God... I'm finally listening

I don't know where to begin.  I have SO much to say.  I have SO much in my jumbled head.  It's good though... it's intimidating, but good.

To anyone that has faced a spiritual battle, any pieces of advice would be great.

Rob has been "called" and I have been called to stand beside Rob and trust God.

I'm not sure what that means but we're trying to listen.  However, I have never been so sure of anything in my entire life.

I am watching Satan try to interfere.  We're muting him, we're beating him and we will be fighting our entire life.
Living a life as a Christ follower is now, all or nothing.  There is no in-between.

I didn't understand it before.  I knew what I needed to do.  I knew what I felt, I just wasn't open.

I had fear.  I had anger.  I had no idea what love really was.  

I no longer have fear.  I no longer have anger.  I know what love is and to think I thought I had a clue.... ha!

God is doing AMAZING things with us right now.  Satan is trying every.single.trick.in.the.book.

Reverence.

Filled with the Holy Spirit.

God's Love.

"Give it to God"

All those things that people had said/preached before were words.  They were words I never truly understood.  Secretly I was jealous that I didn't understand.  I found myself saying, "Is this IT?  All these promises of a life for God and this is IT?"  Well, little did I know that this was exactly what I needed to do to open my heart to Him.

I want to make sure I write down what has happened and how it's made me feel.

I need to put it down because I know the Evil One isn't going to stop trying to destroy us.  We cannot give him a foothold right now.  He has nothing to stand on.

Now is not a time for me to get cocky.  Now is not a time for me to say, "Oh yeah?!  God's using us!  We're good..."

Wrong... the Evil One strikes harder when there's more to lose.

Currently, Rob's reading: When the Enemy Strikes and I'm ordering Armed and Dangerous.

Here's a perfect link to describe what we're going through right now.

The past two days have been mentally exhausting so that our physical body is giving out.

I know now what it means to Trust in God.  And I know now how much I want everyone to feel this way too.  The overwhelming JOY is nothing I've ever felt before, however, I feel the breath of Satan himself breathing down my neck.  I should be scared, but I have God.  I truly do.  

You don't have to agree with me.  You don't have to agree with anything I say.  Honestly, I'm not doing this for you.  It's now for Him. This is my journey and it's incredibly personal.  I'd love for you to share it with me.

Crippled by fear

Growing up, I was always scared of losing my parents.  I wasn't afraid of either of them leaving us as a family, I was scared that one day I'd come home to find one of them had had a heart attack or someone would have broken into the house and hurt them.  I loved them and my biggest fear growing up was losing them.

I grew up and learned to love another... my husband, and soon learned about the fear that goes along with loving someone the way I loved him.  I was scared he'd leave me for someone else.  I was scared he would die in a car accident or something tragic would happen and I would be lost forever without the love of my life.

Then I had "Doodle Dunk" and during my maternity leave, I would just cry over her at the thought of someone taking her from me or hurting her.  I was almost scared to put her in the car and go somewhere thinking that someone would crash into us while we were driving.

We had "Bug" and I was then also consumed by fear... so scared at the thought that someone would hurt us.  My heart was triple fearful because now I was afraid of losing my husband, Doodle and Bug.

Here comes baby number three and although I wasn't as scared at first, the other night I lie in bed and was completely consumed by fear.  I have never been paralyzed by fear nor have I just started sobbing uncontrollably until this night. 

Rob was reading a book next to me in bed.  Robbie was snuggled up against me sleep nursing and all of a sudden I had a "day dream" where we were all on a plane, the plane was crashing and we couldn't get the kids out of their seats and the plane was filling up with water.  As the plane sunk and the cabin filled with water, I didn't know who to grab first and how to get them.  Who would Rob help first?  Who would I help first?  There's three kids and two adults... do the math!  So lets say we get them out... Lily and Robbie can't hold their breath... how would we get to the surface?!  What if I lost one child, two of them or God-forbid, all of them and my husband.  I started crying and told Rob we are never flying with all three children.  He said, "Oooook?"  and I replied loudly, "I'm SERIOUS!  We are NEVER flying."  I then went to sleep.

Okay, so I know that's not healthy.  I know that my fear is subdued when I pray to Him and He calms me.  It doesn't consume my thoughts every day, so no worries that I'm afraid to leave my house or something like that.  But when it sneaks up on me, I think such tragic thoughts that I just can't handle it.

Whew... so tell me... have you ever felt this way?  What did you do to deal with it?