Growing up, I was always scared of losing my parents. I wasn't afraid of either of them leaving us as a family, I was scared that one day I'd come home to find one of them had had a heart attack or someone would have broken into the house and hurt them. I loved them and my biggest fear growing up was losing them.
I grew up and learned to love another... my husband, and soon learned about the fear that goes along with loving someone the way I loved him. I was scared he'd leave me for someone else. I was scared he would die in a car accident or something tragic would happen and I would be lost forever without the love of my life.
Then I had "Doodle Dunk" and during my maternity leave, I would just cry over her at the thought of someone taking her from me or hurting her. I was almost scared to put her in the car and go somewhere thinking that someone would crash into us while we were driving.
We had "Bug" and I was then also consumed by fear... so scared at the thought that someone would hurt us. My heart was triple fearful because now I was afraid of losing my husband, Doodle and Bug.
Here comes baby number three and although I wasn't as scared at first, the other night I lie in bed and was completely consumed by fear. I have never been paralyzed by fear nor have I just started sobbing uncontrollably until this night.
Rob was reading a book next to me in bed. Robbie was snuggled up against me sleep nursing and all of a sudden I had a "day dream" where we were all on a plane, the plane was crashing and we couldn't get the kids out of their seats and the plane was filling up with water. As the plane sunk and the cabin filled with water, I didn't know who to grab first and how to get them. Who would Rob help first? Who would I help first? There's three kids and two adults... do the math! So lets say we get them out... Lily and Robbie can't hold their breath... how would we get to the surface?! What if I lost one child, two of them or God-forbid, all of them and my husband. I started crying and told Rob we are never flying with all three children. He said, "Oooook?" and I replied loudly, "I'm SERIOUS! We are NEVER flying." I then went to sleep.
Okay, so I know that's not healthy. I know that my fear is subdued when I pray to Him and He calms me. It doesn't consume my thoughts every day, so no worries that I'm afraid to leave my house or something like that. But when it sneaks up on me, I think such tragic thoughts that I just can't handle it.
Whew... so tell me... have you ever felt this way? What did you do to deal with it?