Tuesday, May 10, 2011
I think it's time to be a little honest with myself here... and others that may read this. Why is it that I feel it is my responsibility to completely own *everything* because I am a wife and a mother?
(**DISCLAIMER** My husband is an equal partner. He does nothing extra for himself and asks nothing of me. He is giving, loving and patient with me. He does *so* much in and outside our home for us. It's completely a 50/50 relationship... actually, more like 110/110 relationship!)
Let me give you a little background on this....
I have three children, now 5, 2.5 and 1.5 and they are the joy in my life. I have been married to my wonderful husband/partner for going on 8 years now. I have a full time job and completely enjoy my career. I have room for growth and potential to do more. My children are at daycare while we are at work. My husband is a Director of Youth and Young Adults at our church. I have realized that it is my job and my ministry to be the bread winner in the family so that he can answer God's call. My ministry is to my family, my three children and supporting my husband.
I haven't always felt this way. There were times I was so filled with resentment and anger for many things that I couldn't enjoy my children and my husband. There were times I dreaded picking them up from daycare and enjoyed dropping them off every morning. We do not have family that lives in our town. Both sets of parents are three hours away and each of the grandfathers works full time and the mothers stay at home. They help as often as they can when we have trials (sickness, etc) where Rob and I have to work and the kids need a caregiver.
It's hard. When we had our first child, Doodle, I told my husband if we ever had another child, I would be staying home with them. After we had Bug, I told my husband if we ever had another child, I would stay at home. Here comes Lil' Brother and I'm still working my tail off. I won't lie and tell you I haven't carried resentment for that. But I will tell you that with God's grace and His forgiveness, He HAS washed all my resentment and anger away. It's a beautiful thing my friends. I wish that for many of my loved ones... it's such an amazing peace.
...but I'll save that story for another time... what I really wanted to write about today is why I feel the need to own everything in our home. Because of my husband's career, he works outside the home Sun-Thurs and Wed and Sun nights he gets home around 10-11pm. I wrangle all three kids by myself. 98% of the time, I am responsible for picking them up/dropping them off at daycare. It's challenging. (Don't get me wrong, before my husband leaves for work those days, he makes sure everything is ready to go for me at home. Such a sweet sweet thing he does... ) There are some nights I have yelled so loudly at the kids - usually because I feel out of control - and my throat stings afterwards. That is unacceptable. But yet... when it comes down to the fact I want a haircut or a pedicure, I refuse to do it because I don't want to leave him home with the three kids while I go "relax" for 45 minutes. Why do I feel the need to do that? Is it because I don't want him to "go through" what I have to go through, so I'll just take it? It certainly isn't because he can't do it... he can! He's a wonderful father and perfectly intelligent and capable of caring for our babies.
I guess I have a hard time when people say "You deserve this!" or "You need a break" because I *don't* feel like I deserve it. I believe this is my job and what I *should* be doing and need to find the rewards in the little things.... anyone else feel like that? I don't like the "you deserve this or that" because I don't feel we deserve anything... I think we reap what we sow and need to enjoy the time we have now. I dunno... really looking for others to relate to here... would love any comments.
So many people tell me it's just a season! But I don't like that... I don't want to look at my children as something that is "just a season that will soon pass" - I want to enjoy this season, and not be wishing for another one to show up so soon.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Seems like my life is full of hiatus lately. Hiatus from Facebook, Hiatus from certain family members, Hiatus from certain activities...
I think it's good to take a step back sometimes and truly evaluate what we're doing and why. I feel like lately,
my life God is pulling me in a direction and I'm not quite sure of that direction. I trust Him. I will follow.
Follow... what does that mean? That doesn't mean we sit here waiting. It doesn't mean we lead. It doesn't mean we just listen and don't GO. I think that's the key word there... GO. God wants us to GO. He didn't tell us to sit there and wait for Him to show up. He didn't tell us to stand in front of Him. He didn't telll us just to listen to what He said.
Matthew 28:16-20, " 16 Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. 17 When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. 18 Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19 Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”
I'm so great at excuses. I'm awesome at "waiting to see how it all plays out". I'm a master at letting other people do it for me. ....but some doubted.
It's time for me to GO. I'm ready God... show me where you want me to GO.