The forest is my peaceful place.

So much has changed.  So much is changing.

Quick snapshot:

• August 1st, I am no longer employed due to a reduction in my team with an acquisition.
• August 20th, Doodle starts 1st grade, Bug starts pre-K4 and 'lil Brother and Stinkerbell will be home with me full-time.  Yes... you read that right.  We have baby #4, a girl, born May 1st and I'm going to be a SAHM.
• August 20th, something else is happening but we cannot speak of it right now.

I pray I'm going to start this again. I'm gonna need it.

The forest is my peaceful place.

Time for me? That's funny!

I think it's time to be a little honest with myself here... and others that may read this.  Why is it that I feel it is my responsibility to completely own *everything* because I am a wife and a mother?

(**DISCLAIMER**  My husband is an equal partner.  He does nothing extra for himself and asks nothing of me.  He is giving, loving and patient with me.  He does *so* much in and outside our home for us.  It's completely a 50/50 relationship... actually, more like 110/110 relationship!)

Let me give you a little background on this....

I have three children, now 5, 2.5 and 1.5 and they are the joy in my life.  I have been married to my wonderful husband/partner for going on 8 years now.  I have a full time job and completely enjoy my career.  I have room for growth and potential to do more.  My children are at daycare while we are at work.  My husband is a Director of Youth and Young Adults at our church.  I have realized that it is my job and my ministry to be the bread winner in the family so that he can answer God's call.  My ministry is to my family, my three children and supporting my husband.

I haven't always felt this way.  There were times I was so filled with resentment and anger for many things that I couldn't enjoy my children and my husband.  There were times I dreaded picking them up from daycare and enjoyed dropping them off every morning.  We do not have family that lives in our town.  Both sets of parents are three hours away and each of the grandfathers works full time and the mothers stay at home.  They help as often as they can when we have trials (sickness, etc) where Rob and I have to work and the kids need a caregiver.

It's hard.  When we had our first child, Doodle, I told my husband if we ever had another child, I would be staying home with them.  After we had Bug, I told my husband if we ever had another child, I would stay at home.  Here comes Lil' Brother and I'm still working my tail off.  I won't lie and tell you I haven't carried resentment for that.  But I will tell you that with God's grace and His forgiveness, He HAS washed all my resentment and anger away.  It's a beautiful thing my friends.  I wish that for many of my loved ones... it's such an amazing peace.  

...but I'll save that story for another time... what I really wanted to write about today is why I feel the need to own everything in our home.  Because of my husband's career, he works outside the home Sun-Thurs and Wed and Sun nights he gets home around 10-11pm.  I wrangle all three kids by myself.  98% of the time, I am responsible for picking them up/dropping them off at daycare.  It's challenging.  (Don't get me wrong, before my husband leaves for work those days, he makes sure everything is ready to go for me at home.  Such a sweet sweet thing he does... ) There are some nights I have yelled so loudly at the kids - usually because I feel out of control - and my throat stings afterwards.  That is unacceptable.  But yet... when it comes down to the fact I want a haircut or a pedicure, I refuse to do it because I don't want to leave him home with the three kids while I go "relax" for 45 minutes.  Why do I feel the need to do that?  Is it because I don't want him to "go through" what I have to go through, so I'll just take it?  It certainly isn't because he can't do it... he can!  He's a wonderful father and perfectly intelligent and capable of caring for our babies.

I guess I have a hard time when people say "You deserve this!"  or "You need a break" because I *don't* feel like I deserve it.  I believe this is my job and what I *should* be doing and need to find the rewards in the little things....  anyone else feel like that?  I don't like the "you deserve this or that" because I don't feel we deserve anything... I think we reap what we sow and need to enjoy the time we have now.  I dunno... really looking for others to relate to here... would love any comments.

So many people tell me it's just a season!  But I don't like that... I don't want to look at my children as something that is "just a season that will soon pass" - I want to enjoy this season, and not be wishing for another one to show up so soon.

It's been a while

Wow, it's been a while hasn't it?  It feels like I have a lot to say but I'm not quite sure where to start.

Life has taken some turns.  None bad, but not easy either.  I've been angry, sad, happy, elated, scared - gosh it seems I'm all of those things all the time.  I've had some time to really sink down deep into my heart and see some ugly things about me that I know need to change.  I've also seen glimmers of home deep inside me that I cling to knowing that I'm going to make the right choices.

Rob's doing a student ministry internship right now.  It's unpaid but he's learning the ins and outs of student ministry and that's where he needs to be.  We are painfully broke.  Today was a turning point where we both realized it's time to focus on humility and with that I think we're going to make some big changes in our lives.  It's time to simplify.  I don't think we can truly grasp what God's trying to do with our lives if we continue to live the lifestyle we currently are living.

Work is going very well for me.  I really do enjoy what I do and I'm growing each day.

The kids are amazing.  Lil Brother is 7 months old, has four teeth and quite a funny personality.  He's a cuddly little guy and smiles ALL THE TIME.  Bug is 20 months old now and has blossomed.  She is such a trip.  She's starting to talk more and more and communicate well with us which causes less and less tantrums.  Doodle is 4 and boy is she a pistol.  She keeps us on our toes and keeps us humble for sure.

My relationship with my husband is amazing.  We have grown more this year than we ever have and I am so thankful to have a man like him in my life.

Dear Heavenly Father,  please guide me each day as I try to be more and more like Jesus.  I know that it's with Your forgiveness and grace that each day I fail, I seek You and there You are for me.  Every day I stumble.  Every day I need You.  Every day I need to feel Your love.  I am nothing without You.  I cannot be a good wife, a good mother or a good friend without You.  Help me remember to recognize that.  Help me control my tongue and my temper.  Help me love my husband, my children and friends the way Your Son loves us.

Hey God... I'm finally listening

I don't know where to begin.  I have SO much to say.  I have SO much in my jumbled head.  It's good though... it's intimidating, but good.

To anyone that has faced a spiritual battle, any pieces of advice would be great.

Rob has been "called" and I have been called to stand beside Rob and trust God.

I'm not sure what that means but we're trying to listen.  However, I have never been so sure of anything in my entire life.

I am watching Satan try to interfere.  We're muting him, we're beating him and we will be fighting our entire life.
Living a life as a Christ follower is now, all or nothing.  There is no in-between.

I didn't understand it before.  I knew what I needed to do.  I knew what I felt, I just wasn't open.

I had fear.  I had anger.  I had no idea what love really was.  

I no longer have fear.  I no longer have anger.  I know what love is and to think I thought I had a clue.... ha!

God is doing AMAZING things with us right now.  Satan is trying every.single.trick.in.the.book.

Reverence.

Filled with the Holy Spirit.

God's Love.

"Give it to God"

All those things that people had said/preached before were words.  They were words I never truly understood.  Secretly I was jealous that I didn't understand.  I found myself saying, "Is this IT?  All these promises of a life for God and this is IT?"  Well, little did I know that this was exactly what I needed to do to open my heart to Him.

I want to make sure I write down what has happened and how it's made me feel.

I need to put it down because I know the Evil One isn't going to stop trying to destroy us.  We cannot give him a foothold right now.  He has nothing to stand on.

Now is not a time for me to get cocky.  Now is not a time for me to say, "Oh yeah?!  God's using us!  We're good..."

Wrong... the Evil One strikes harder when there's more to lose.

Currently, Rob's reading: When the Enemy Strikes and I'm ordering Armed and Dangerous.

Here's a perfect link to describe what we're going through right now.

The past two days have been mentally exhausting so that our physical body is giving out.

I know now what it means to Trust in God.  And I know now how much I want everyone to feel this way too.  The overwhelming JOY is nothing I've ever felt before, however, I feel the breath of Satan himself breathing down my neck.  I should be scared, but I have God.  I truly do.  

You don't have to agree with me.  You don't have to agree with anything I say.  Honestly, I'm not doing this for you.  It's now for Him. This is my journey and it's incredibly personal.  I'd love for you to share it with me.

Time is going so fast...

As I sat on the couch last night holding Little Brother in my arms and flying him up in the air while his drool dripped down on my shirt, watching him smile and coo at me... I realized, "He is four months old!"

I then looked at Bug who sat happily playing with her Little People airplane and realized, "She is sixteen months old!"

I then looked over at Doodle who was doing a silly dance to "Move it, Move it" that she is almost FOUR years old.

Then I looked at my husband and realized we have only been married five and a half years and where on earth has the time gone?

This time is so precious.

I only pray that I have the wisdom to realize this when they want one more song, one more book, one more nursing at the breast, one more tuck into bed, one more diaper change, and one peanut butter and jelly swammich.

I love you my Doodle.
I love you my Bug.
and I love you little brother.
... and I love you my husband.

The Last Ten Years

I've seen a few blogs and posts with people reviewing the past decade. 
Let's see what I've done and what I can remember!

2000:  Twenty.
I was dating a country boy and we'd been together for a while. 
I still lived with my parents & worked for a non profit.

2001: Twenty-one.
I moved out on my own with a fun roomie and started working for Budweiser.
I worked directly for the daughter of the Busch family. 
That was an experience!

I broke up with the boy and started on a trend of not making good decisions. 
I joined a site called facethejury.com (good decision, stupid site)

I met a lot of people online and started some friendships with folks I still am friends with today.

2002: Twenty-two.
Still on the "bad" trend, still frequenting the online forums of FTJ and still meeting people online.  Someone put something in my drink in a bar and avoided being who knows what by a group of guys because a random cop decided to walk me to my car. 
I decided to make some changes personally and decided to stop my behavior and put my trust in God. 
I stopped looking for that someone. I encountered a man by the name of Rob in a forum I visited daily.

He lived in CT and we started talking in the fall. 
I took out some money and bought a plane ticket to NY where he picked me up and we had a whirlwind weekend of fun and love. 
We fell in love immediately and knew we had to be together for life. 
We knew this was IT and we knew that God had a bigger plan for us.
Broke the news to my parents that I was in love with someone I met online (*gasp!*) ...

Flew to Dallas, TX for a meet-up with a group of close friends from FTJ.

(This was one of the most fun weekends in my life!)

One of my best friend from high school, Holly, died in a car accident on her way home for Christmas.

2003: Twenty-three.
Moved to Connecticut with Rob and his dog Noodles. 

Got to go to the New York Athletic Club and experience downtown NY in a neat way...

...and also got to attend my first Yankees game!

I worked for a local pharmacy as a Pharmacy Technician.
I got to go to the Adirondack Mountains and try to snowboard.

Rob asked me if I wanted to go "home" and we packed our stuff and moved to Florida.
We moved into an apartment and got Cassie to give Noodles a buddy.

2004: Twenty-four.
Rob and I got married on the beach in March. 
This is the smile, that I've never shown before....

Bought our first house and broke our backs renovating it.

Experienced a pregnancy loss & realized we wanted to start trying to have a child.

2005: Twenty-five.
Experienced another pregnancy loss.
Conceived our first child due in March 2006!
Sold and bought another home literally two houses down and across the street.
(Picture is from previous owners)

2006: Twenty six.
Doodle dunk was born March, 2006!

2007: Twenty seven.
We moved into a bigger home and rented our old home.
October, we lost Noodles to cancer.

Suffered another pregnancy loss.
Immediatly concieved again, due August 2008.
Welcomed Marlie into our home.

2008: Twenty eight.
We found out we were expecting another girl!  "Bug" was born late August.  Gosh, if I hadn't been the one pregnant with her, I wouldn't have even known she was mine :) This little munchkin looks just like her daddy.

2009: Twenty nine.
Much to our surprise, we found out we were expecting again when "Bug" was only 4.5 months old. 
Baby boy due September 2009! 
Spent the entire year reciving wonderful donor milk for Bug (milk dried up with the pregnancy.) 
Rob's sister got married to the best Bro-in-law ever. 
We welcomed "Little Brother" born late September 2009.

Whew... life has been quick, fast and furious. 

We have been blessed beyond our wildest dreams.

We end the decade as a family of five completely content and learning how to put God first in our lives.