Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Crippled by fear

Growing up, I was always scared of losing my parents.  I wasn't afraid of either of them leaving us as a family, I was scared that one day I'd come home to find one of them had had a heart attack or someone would have broken into the house and hurt them.  I loved them and my biggest fear growing up was losing them.

I grew up and learned to love another... my husband, and soon learned about the fear that goes along with loving someone the way I loved him.  I was scared he'd leave me for someone else.  I was scared he would die in a car accident or something tragic would happen and I would be lost forever without the love of my life.

Then I had "Doodle Dunk" and during my maternity leave, I would just cry over her at the thought of someone taking her from me or hurting her.  I was almost scared to put her in the car and go somewhere thinking that someone would crash into us while we were driving.

We had "Bug" and I was then also consumed by fear... so scared at the thought that someone would hurt us.  My heart was triple fearful because now I was afraid of losing my husband, Doodle and Bug.

Here comes baby number three and although I wasn't as scared at first, the other night I lie in bed and was completely consumed by fear.  I have never been paralyzed by fear nor have I just started sobbing uncontrollably until this night. 

Rob was reading a book next to me in bed.  Robbie was snuggled up against me sleep nursing and all of a sudden I had a "day dream" where we were all on a plane, the plane was crashing and we couldn't get the kids out of their seats and the plane was filling up with water.  As the plane sunk and the cabin filled with water, I didn't know who to grab first and how to get them.  Who would Rob help first?  Who would I help first?  There's three kids and two adults... do the math!  So lets say we get them out... Lily and Robbie can't hold their breath... how would we get to the surface?!  What if I lost one child, two of them or God-forbid, all of them and my husband.  I started crying and told Rob we are never flying with all three children.  He said, "Oooook?"  and I replied loudly, "I'm SERIOUS!  We are NEVER flying."  I then went to sleep.

Okay, so I know that's not healthy.  I know that my fear is subdued when I pray to Him and He calms me.  It doesn't consume my thoughts every day, so no worries that I'm afraid to leave my house or something like that.  But when it sneaks up on me, I think such tragic thoughts that I just can't handle it.

Whew... so tell me... have you ever felt this way?  What did you do to deal with it?

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Baby it's cold outside

Living in Florida, it doesn't get too cold that often.  But when it gets cold, it's a different kind of cold.  It's a wet cold.  A humid cold.  A cold that sneaks down into your bones.

My 45 degrees is much colder than your 20.  (Wow, that sounds childish, huh?)

Days like today, I'm thankful I live in Florida and do not have to endure the cold winters that others go through for months out of the year.  I'm hopeful for chilly days to help with the holiday cheer but once the holidays are over, I'll gladly take our hot, humid summers.


Monday, December 28, 2009

So a friend said I should start a blog

So a friend told me I should start blogging.

I asked my facebook friends... "If I blogged, would you follow?" I got a few responses.

"Why not?" I asked myself. So here I am. Just me.

I'm a wife of 5 years to a husband that shares my love of 'Let's do this NOW' mentality. He makes me laugh like no other and our relationship has been fast and furious. We fight hard and laugh harder. I love him madly and we are an amazing team. He is the smile that I've never shown before...

I'm a mommy of three little ones.

"Doodle Dunk" - our firstborn is three and a half years old. She is a little blond hair/blue eyed mini-me and prefers daddy's company over mine ANY day. We butt heads like there's no tomorrow and it's probably because we're so much alike. She's such a pretty little girl, very sensitive and extremely bossy. She's goofy and quiet at times and she is teaching me more about myself than I ever knew existed. Her sweet smile lights up any & all darkness in my heart.

"Bug" - our little tiny toddler is such a cutie pie. She's 16 months old and in the <3% on the weight charts but can beat up anything in her way. She's absolutely stunning and is my little sweetie pie. Her dark hair and blue eyes are going to get us into trouble in the future I think... She loves to sleep, loves to screech and will beat up her older sister any day of the week and then smother her with affection. She loves to hug and kiss and loves animals like her daddy. I fear for the boy that breaks her heart one day and anyone that ever hurts her family.

"Little Brother" - our chunk of a child and sweet little light of mine, my only boy and BOY do I now understand the mother son bond! This little one has been my light in what could be a dark time for me. His arrival was a complete surprise but we couldn't be happier with his timing. Or should I say, HIS timing (God, that is.)

I'm a Jesus lover too... but more on that later! Without Him, I would be nothing.