Day 1

Today is my first Monday of being unemployed. I'm thrilled. I truly am.

Of course that means no more health insurance and no paycheck, which are small obstacles we are planning for currently.

Ya know, I look back at the things that have happened in the last 3.5 years since we decided to start putting God first. We had no idea what any of it would look like but when we felt like we were being called to follow Him, we really couldn't do anything else. Sometimes we were scared but we got through it with His peace that's beyond any understanding. Yes there have been times of stress, strife, selfishness and anger. But what trumps all of that is that deep down each of us were trying... Sometimes more than the other... To do His will.

At our old church, I took Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University, which has given me the skills to help my husband and I be better stewards of our money. We have had unexpected family blessings from others that have assisted us in out path. We can SEE God working, we just have to be willing to get out of the way! Because of this, for the first time in 6.5 years, I will be home with 'lil Brother and Stinkerbell full-time. Doodle and Bug will be in Montessori school. Not quite sure how we are going to do it financially but we know this is His plan for us right now.

Rob got a new job as Family Minister at a church 3.9 miles away door to door. He starts the 19th. At his current position he was 28 miles one way and it would take 45+ minutes to get to work and church. I've not been involved as much as I wanted to be because it was such a drive and with the kids, it would always stretch way past bedtime, resulting in too much stress for all of us. I'm hoping we can be more involved in this church. After all, his position is "Family" minister. I only see fit that we are involved as a family.

New things ahead for us...

The forest is my peaceful place.

So much has changed.  So much is changing.

Quick snapshot:

• August 1st, I am no longer employed due to a reduction in my team with an acquisition.
• August 20th, Doodle starts 1st grade, Bug starts pre-K4 and 'lil Brother and Stinkerbell will be home with me full-time.  Yes... you read that right.  We have baby #4, a girl, born May 1st and I'm going to be a SAHM.
• August 20th, something else is happening but we cannot speak of it right now.

I pray I'm going to start this again. I'm gonna need it.

The forest is my peaceful place.

Coming back!!!!

I am so excited to start blogging again.  Less time for facebook, more time for blogging.


Oh my goodness, I look back at some of my entries.  How broken I was....

Can't wait to talk about the healing....

Paul Washer

Time for me? That's funny!

I think it's time to be a little honest with myself here... and others that may read this.  Why is it that I feel it is my responsibility to completely own *everything* because I am a wife and a mother?

(**DISCLAIMER**  My husband is an equal partner.  He does nothing extra for himself and asks nothing of me.  He is giving, loving and patient with me.  He does *so* much in and outside our home for us.  It's completely a 50/50 relationship... actually, more like 110/110 relationship!)

Let me give you a little background on this....

I have three children, now 5, 2.5 and 1.5 and they are the joy in my life.  I have been married to my wonderful husband/partner for going on 8 years now.  I have a full time job and completely enjoy my career.  I have room for growth and potential to do more.  My children are at daycare while we are at work.  My husband is a Director of Youth and Young Adults at our church.  I have realized that it is my job and my ministry to be the bread winner in the family so that he can answer God's call.  My ministry is to my family, my three children and supporting my husband.

I haven't always felt this way.  There were times I was so filled with resentment and anger for many things that I couldn't enjoy my children and my husband.  There were times I dreaded picking them up from daycare and enjoyed dropping them off every morning.  We do not have family that lives in our town.  Both sets of parents are three hours away and each of the grandfathers works full time and the mothers stay at home.  They help as often as they can when we have trials (sickness, etc) where Rob and I have to work and the kids need a caregiver.

It's hard.  When we had our first child, Doodle, I told my husband if we ever had another child, I would be staying home with them.  After we had Bug, I told my husband if we ever had another child, I would stay at home.  Here comes Lil' Brother and I'm still working my tail off.  I won't lie and tell you I haven't carried resentment for that.  But I will tell you that with God's grace and His forgiveness, He HAS washed all my resentment and anger away.  It's a beautiful thing my friends.  I wish that for many of my loved ones... it's such an amazing peace.  

...but I'll save that story for another time... what I really wanted to write about today is why I feel the need to own everything in our home.  Because of my husband's career, he works outside the home Sun-Thurs and Wed and Sun nights he gets home around 10-11pm.  I wrangle all three kids by myself.  98% of the time, I am responsible for picking them up/dropping them off at daycare.  It's challenging.  (Don't get me wrong, before my husband leaves for work those days, he makes sure everything is ready to go for me at home.  Such a sweet sweet thing he does... ) There are some nights I have yelled so loudly at the kids - usually because I feel out of control - and my throat stings afterwards.  That is unacceptable.  But yet... when it comes down to the fact I want a haircut or a pedicure, I refuse to do it because I don't want to leave him home with the three kids while I go "relax" for 45 minutes.  Why do I feel the need to do that?  Is it because I don't want him to "go through" what I have to go through, so I'll just take it?  It certainly isn't because he can't do it... he can!  He's a wonderful father and perfectly intelligent and capable of caring for our babies.

I guess I have a hard time when people say "You deserve this!"  or "You need a break" because I *don't* feel like I deserve it.  I believe this is my job and what I *should* be doing and need to find the rewards in the little things....  anyone else feel like that?  I don't like the "you deserve this or that" because I don't feel we deserve anything... I think we reap what we sow and need to enjoy the time we have now.  I dunno... really looking for others to relate to here... would love any comments.

So many people tell me it's just a season!  But I don't like that... I don't want to look at my children as something that is "just a season that will soon pass" - I want to enjoy this season, and not be wishing for another one to show up so soon.

Time to try this again

Seems like my life is full of hiatus lately.  Hiatus from Facebook, Hiatus from certain family members, Hiatus from certain activities... 

I think it's good to take a step back sometimes and truly evaluate what we're doing and why.  I feel like lately, my life God is pulling me in a direction and I'm not quite sure of that direction.  I trust Him.  I will follow.

Follow... what does that mean?  That doesn't mean we sit here waiting.  It doesn't mean we lead.  It doesn't mean we just listen and don't GO.  I think that's the key word there... GO.  God wants us to GO.  He didn't tell us to sit there and wait for Him to show up.  He didn't tell us to stand in front of Him.  He didn't telll us just to listen to what He said. 

Matthew 28:16-20, " ¹⁶ Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. ¹⁷ When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. ¹⁸ Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. ¹⁹ Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, ²⁰ and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

I'm so great at excuses. I'm awesome at "waiting to see how it all plays out".  I'm a master at letting other people do it for me.  ....but some doubted.

It's time for me to GO.  I'm ready God... show me where you want me to GO.

God sent me an Angel

So hubby's in Albany, GA on a middle school's mission trip with church. He's organized a lot of it and I'm thrilled for him. My mom is in town helping me get the kids off to school and me to work every day.

Yesterday was a frustrating day. Nothing in particular at all, just a lot of frustration. I've been trying really hard to not lose my temper and get angry with the kids (yelling, etc) so as I was keeping myself in check, I sent hubby a text and said "Please pray for me." He called me right back and I was frustrated that he wanted to pray for me on the phone (see? I told you I was frustrated...) I said, "I'm trying to get Lil Brother to sleep. Don't pray with me. Pray FOR me. I gotta go." I lay down with Lil Brother and started to breathe and nurse him to sleep. All of a sudden I hear these footsteps across the tile and see this little head bob up to me on the bed.

Doodle: "Mommy? I uh... uh... I uh..."
(Now keep in mind, her staying in her room has been a big battle and she's been doing great with it lately.)
Me: *sternly* "What?"
Doodle: "I um...um..."
Me: *more sternly* "WHAT?"
Doodle: "I wanna teach you something."
Me: "Ok"
Doodle: She starts singing... "Arise and shine and give God the glory, glory. Arise and shine and give God the glory glory, Rise and shine and give God the glory, glory, Children, of the Lord."

I burst into tears. I grabbed her and told her that she was my GIFT from God and that she had made mommy's night so special.

Then I told her to get her booty in bed. :)

I texted hubby and said, "whatever you prayed, thanks... God sent me an Angel."

He called me back and said, "WHAT HAPPENED?!" I told him and he started tearing up. He said he felt the Holy Spirit leave his shoulder and rest on mine."

Thanks God for the reminder... :)