Coming back!!!!

I am so excited to start blogging again.  Less time for facebook, more time for blogging.


Oh my goodness, I look back at some of my entries.  How broken I was....

Can't wait to talk about the healing....

Paul Washer

Time for me? That's funny!

I think it's time to be a little honest with myself here... and others that may read this.  Why is it that I feel it is my responsibility to completely own *everything* because I am a wife and a mother?

(**DISCLAIMER**  My husband is an equal partner.  He does nothing extra for himself and asks nothing of me.  He is giving, loving and patient with me.  He does *so* much in and outside our home for us.  It's completely a 50/50 relationship... actually, more like 110/110 relationship!)

Let me give you a little background on this....

I have three children, now 5, 2.5 and 1.5 and they are the joy in my life.  I have been married to my wonderful husband/partner for going on 8 years now.  I have a full time job and completely enjoy my career.  I have room for growth and potential to do more.  My children are at daycare while we are at work.  My husband is a Director of Youth and Young Adults at our church.  I have realized that it is my job and my ministry to be the bread winner in the family so that he can answer God's call.  My ministry is to my family, my three children and supporting my husband.

I haven't always felt this way.  There were times I was so filled with resentment and anger for many things that I couldn't enjoy my children and my husband.  There were times I dreaded picking them up from daycare and enjoyed dropping them off every morning.  We do not have family that lives in our town.  Both sets of parents are three hours away and each of the grandfathers works full time and the mothers stay at home.  They help as often as they can when we have trials (sickness, etc) where Rob and I have to work and the kids need a caregiver.

It's hard.  When we had our first child, Doodle, I told my husband if we ever had another child, I would be staying home with them.  After we had Bug, I told my husband if we ever had another child, I would stay at home.  Here comes Lil' Brother and I'm still working my tail off.  I won't lie and tell you I haven't carried resentment for that.  But I will tell you that with God's grace and His forgiveness, He HAS washed all my resentment and anger away.  It's a beautiful thing my friends.  I wish that for many of my loved ones... it's such an amazing peace.  

...but I'll save that story for another time... what I really wanted to write about today is why I feel the need to own everything in our home.  Because of my husband's career, he works outside the home Sun-Thurs and Wed and Sun nights he gets home around 10-11pm.  I wrangle all three kids by myself.  98% of the time, I am responsible for picking them up/dropping them off at daycare.  It's challenging.  (Don't get me wrong, before my husband leaves for work those days, he makes sure everything is ready to go for me at home.  Such a sweet sweet thing he does... ) There are some nights I have yelled so loudly at the kids - usually because I feel out of control - and my throat stings afterwards.  That is unacceptable.  But yet... when it comes down to the fact I want a haircut or a pedicure, I refuse to do it because I don't want to leave him home with the three kids while I go "relax" for 45 minutes.  Why do I feel the need to do that?  Is it because I don't want him to "go through" what I have to go through, so I'll just take it?  It certainly isn't because he can't do it... he can!  He's a wonderful father and perfectly intelligent and capable of caring for our babies.

I guess I have a hard time when people say "You deserve this!"  or "You need a break" because I *don't* feel like I deserve it.  I believe this is my job and what I *should* be doing and need to find the rewards in the little things....  anyone else feel like that?  I don't like the "you deserve this or that" because I don't feel we deserve anything... I think we reap what we sow and need to enjoy the time we have now.  I dunno... really looking for others to relate to here... would love any comments.

So many people tell me it's just a season!  But I don't like that... I don't want to look at my children as something that is "just a season that will soon pass" - I want to enjoy this season, and not be wishing for another one to show up so soon.

Time to try this again

Seems like my life is full of hiatus lately.  Hiatus from Facebook, Hiatus from certain family members, Hiatus from certain activities... 

I think it's good to take a step back sometimes and truly evaluate what we're doing and why.  I feel like lately, my life God is pulling me in a direction and I'm not quite sure of that direction.  I trust Him.  I will follow.

Follow... what does that mean?  That doesn't mean we sit here waiting.  It doesn't mean we lead.  It doesn't mean we just listen and don't GO.  I think that's the key word there... GO.  God wants us to GO.  He didn't tell us to sit there and wait for Him to show up.  He didn't tell us to stand in front of Him.  He didn't telll us just to listen to what He said. 

Matthew 28:16-20, " ¹⁶ Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. ¹⁷ When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. ¹⁸ Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. ¹⁹ Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, ²⁰ and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

I'm so great at excuses. I'm awesome at "waiting to see how it all plays out".  I'm a master at letting other people do it for me.  ....but some doubted.

It's time for me to GO.  I'm ready God... show me where you want me to GO.

God sent me an Angel

So hubby's in Albany, GA on a middle school's mission trip with church. He's organized a lot of it and I'm thrilled for him. My mom is in town helping me get the kids off to school and me to work every day.

Yesterday was a frustrating day. Nothing in particular at all, just a lot of frustration. I've been trying really hard to not lose my temper and get angry with the kids (yelling, etc) so as I was keeping myself in check, I sent hubby a text and said "Please pray for me." He called me right back and I was frustrated that he wanted to pray for me on the phone (see? I told you I was frustrated...) I said, "I'm trying to get Lil Brother to sleep. Don't pray with me. Pray FOR me. I gotta go." I lay down with Lil Brother and started to breathe and nurse him to sleep. All of a sudden I hear these footsteps across the tile and see this little head bob up to me on the bed.

Doodle: "Mommy? I uh... uh... I uh..."
(Now keep in mind, her staying in her room has been a big battle and she's been doing great with it lately.)
Me: *sternly* "What?"
Doodle: "I um...um..."
Me: *more sternly* "WHAT?"
Doodle: "I wanna teach you something."
Me: "Ok"
Doodle: She starts singing... "Arise and shine and give God the glory, glory. Arise and shine and give God the glory glory, Rise and shine and give God the glory, glory, Children, of the Lord."

I burst into tears. I grabbed her and told her that she was my GIFT from God and that she had made mommy's night so special.

Then I told her to get her booty in bed. :)

I texted hubby and said, "whatever you prayed, thanks... God sent me an Angel."

He called me back and said, "WHAT HAPPENED?!" I told him and he started tearing up. He said he felt the Holy Spirit leave his shoulder and rest on mine."

Thanks God for the reminder... :)

Journal 6/7 - Tired

When I'm tired, I show some very ugly colors.  The venom that spews from my mouth and the attitude I have just plain sucks and it hurts the very ones that I love the most.

I got 2 hours of sleep last night.  Robbie was tossing and turning all night and just miserable.  You could tell that he just wasn't comfortable.  It's either the diaper rash he's got going on or the fluid in his ears... or both.

I lost my temper with Robbie and with Rob this morning.  Rob heard me say something and call him a name and I don't remember that coming out of my mouth.  It wouldn't be the first time though that I said something in anger and then can't remember what it was.  It's like I have no memory of it... like blacking out after an alcohol binge.

I also have a tendancy to critizse things he does "incorrectly" however if anyone dares say anything to me, I am so quick to shoot it down or have something negative to say.

I've been told that anger is a secondary emotion.  It usually is a response emotion due to other circumstances.  

If I'm honest with myself, I can tell you exactly what those circumstances are....

• I am stressed out about this week at work.
• I got no sleep last night.
• I'm worried about Robbie.
• I'm worried about the financial ruin we're in.
• I'm scared to trust Rob and believe he's putting his family above all else.
• I'm worn down, tired and I feel beaten.

So Rob's idea about this journal is that I'll document what happens in the day and the look up a theme on BibleGateway and find a verse that discusses what I'm dealing with.

I found this one:

Isaiah 30: 20-21

²⁰ Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. ²¹ Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."

I am so tired of feeling sad and hurt.  I am so tired of feeling angry because of those emotions.  I really wish that I could feel some more of God's love today.  I really do.  Right now I feel so far away....

Journal 06/05

I should start off this post by stating how negative I was last night.  I had already made up my mind to NOT go to the beach with Rob and the girls because I had concocted up all these "possible events" of what might or might not happen.  Because of this negativity, I affected those around me.  I went to sleep with the negative in the back of my head and woke up with it too.  I could not WAIT for them to get out of the house so I could have a little peace and quiet.  Sure, I still had Robbie, but I had in my mind a few things I HAD to get done and couldn't do them sufficiently (in my negative head) with them around.

I was already frustrated with Rob from the night before because he was up until 2am on the computer.  Granted, harmless, but I know how he gets when he's tired.  (GRUMPY!)  The girls woke us up this morning and Robbie was still sleeping soundly next to me.  I was so frustrated that I was being woken up when in my head I had this grand idea I'd get to "sleep in."  Granted, I did get to and of course it didn't occur to me that Rob had already gotten up, got the girls ready for the beach, fed them breakfast, packed the car... etc.  I got up, put the girls' hair up in ponytails and helped put sunscreen on.  My mood was OK at that point but not great - not where I should be.  They left and I was FREE to do what I wanted to do.

I folded socks.

Yes.

I folded socks.  That's what I wanted to do.  So instead of having a beach day with my kids, I folded socks.

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't regret not going.  I was tired, Robbie was tired, it was good to be near a bed where I could just nurse him to sleep and I could read my book with no interruptions.

I got some laundry done, I picked up the girls' rooms, I DID get things done and I felt great after I did get those things done.

So then the kids get home with Rob and they've had a great time.  Chaos ensues just like it always does and my negativity comes back.  I make lunch for all of us (easy Pizza!) and Rob is in a foul mood.  You can tell he was trying not to be but he lost his nice flip flops on the beach and he was just mad at himself.  What I wanted to say was "Who cares about the dang flip flops!"  I feed off his moods like there's no tomorrow.  I shouldn't do that and I need to figure out a way around that.  Then he dropped his pizza all over the floor and stormed out.  Poor guy.  I then felt bad about the flip flops... and the pizza.

We said a few short things to one another that were not said with understanding, patience and kindness. Every single time I open my mouth and venom comes out, I regret it.

James 3:3 

Now when we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we also guide the whole animal. 

Jesus Christ's love needs to be my bit.

So anyway, the afternoon continues and it's mostly OK.  I still don't feel very good inside but I try to let things go.  I did yell a few times today at the kids (although justified that I got on to them for x,y,z, I didn't need to yell to accomplish it.

James 3:6-7 

And the tongue is a fire. The tongue, a world of unrighteousness, is placed among the parts of our [bodies]; it pollutes the whole body, sets the course of life on fire, and is set on fire by hell. For every creature—animal or bird, reptile or fish—is tamed and has been tamed by man.

We went to a family baby shower this evening and were surrounded by warm & friendly people.  We got home at bedtime and the kids are peacefully sleeping now.  I am tired.  My body is tired and my mind is tired.  It is time for me to rest.  The night has ended well.

2 Corinthians 6

Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; ⁵in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; ⁶in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; ⁷in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; ⁸through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; ⁹known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; ¹⁰sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything.

'Till tomorrow...