When Oceans Rise...

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown, where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep, my faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours, and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed, and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours, and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours, and You are mine
I am Yours, and You are mine
I am Yours, and You are mine
I am Yours, and You are mine

Some days are hard!

We are all lying to ourselves if we say we don't have hard days. With social media (twitter, Facebook, pinterest, etc.) it's easy for us to make our lives look easy. One picture posted of a fun craft done with kids, an update about the amazing dinner we've made... They all do not paint an accurate picture of our lives. We have to be careful we don't let those words and pictures make us feel like we aren't doing enough and can make us anxious for what we haven't done.

Today is a day where I woke up anxious. Stinkerbell has her 4m check up today, the girls get out at 1:30 for early dismissal, and hubby works all night. I'm anxious about what hasn't even happened yet!

So today, I will be busy and I pray I have enough in my heart to make today great.

Jesus, fill my heart with Your love today.

Verse

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (Ephesians 4:29-32 NIV84)

2 Corinthians 1:3-6

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. (2 Corinthians 1:3-6 NIV84)

Detractors

When things go well for others, are you someone that celebrates with them or are you someone that tries to bring them down.

Are you the sweet or the sour?

Are you the light or the dark?

Matthew 7:15

Day 1

Today is my first Monday of being unemployed. I'm thrilled. I truly am.

Of course that means no more health insurance and no paycheck, which are small obstacles we are planning for currently.

Ya know, I look back at the things that have happened in the last 3.5 years since we decided to start putting God first. We had no idea what any of it would look like but when we felt like we were being called to follow Him, we really couldn't do anything else. Sometimes we were scared but we got through it with His peace that's beyond any understanding. Yes there have been times of stress, strife, selfishness and anger. But what trumps all of that is that deep down each of us were trying... Sometimes more than the other... To do His will.

At our old church, I took Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University, which has given me the skills to help my husband and I be better stewards of our money. We have had unexpected family blessings from others that have assisted us in out path. We can SEE God working, we just have to be willing to get out of the way! Because of this, for the first time in 6.5 years, I will be home with 'lil Brother and Stinkerbell full-time. Doodle and Bug will be in Montessori school. Not quite sure how we are going to do it financially but we know this is His plan for us right now.

Rob got a new job as Family Minister at a church 3.9 miles away door to door. He starts the 19th. At his current position he was 28 miles one way and it would take 45+ minutes to get to work and church. I've not been involved as much as I wanted to be because it was such a drive and with the kids, it would always stretch way past bedtime, resulting in too much stress for all of us. I'm hoping we can be more involved in this church. After all, his position is "Family" minister. I only see fit that we are involved as a family.

New things ahead for us...

The forest is my peaceful place.

So much has changed.  So much is changing.

Quick snapshot:

• August 1st, I am no longer employed due to a reduction in my team with an acquisition.
• August 20th, Doodle starts 1st grade, Bug starts pre-K4 and 'lil Brother and Stinkerbell will be home with me full-time.  Yes... you read that right.  We have baby #4, a girl, born May 1st and I'm going to be a SAHM.
• August 20th, something else is happening but we cannot speak of it right now.

I pray I'm going to start this again. I'm gonna need it.

The forest is my peaceful place.

Coming back!!!!

I am so excited to start blogging again.  Less time for facebook, more time for blogging.


Oh my goodness, I look back at some of my entries.  How broken I was....

Can't wait to talk about the healing....

Paul Washer

Time for me? That's funny!

I think it's time to be a little honest with myself here... and others that may read this.  Why is it that I feel it is my responsibility to completely own *everything* because I am a wife and a mother?

(**DISCLAIMER**  My husband is an equal partner.  He does nothing extra for himself and asks nothing of me.  He is giving, loving and patient with me.  He does *so* much in and outside our home for us.  It's completely a 50/50 relationship... actually, more like 110/110 relationship!)

Let me give you a little background on this....

I have three children, now 5, 2.5 and 1.5 and they are the joy in my life.  I have been married to my wonderful husband/partner for going on 8 years now.  I have a full time job and completely enjoy my career.  I have room for growth and potential to do more.  My children are at daycare while we are at work.  My husband is a Director of Youth and Young Adults at our church.  I have realized that it is my job and my ministry to be the bread winner in the family so that he can answer God's call.  My ministry is to my family, my three children and supporting my husband.

I haven't always felt this way.  There were times I was so filled with resentment and anger for many things that I couldn't enjoy my children and my husband.  There were times I dreaded picking them up from daycare and enjoyed dropping them off every morning.  We do not have family that lives in our town.  Both sets of parents are three hours away and each of the grandfathers works full time and the mothers stay at home.  They help as often as they can when we have trials (sickness, etc) where Rob and I have to work and the kids need a caregiver.

It's hard.  When we had our first child, Doodle, I told my husband if we ever had another child, I would be staying home with them.  After we had Bug, I told my husband if we ever had another child, I would stay at home.  Here comes Lil' Brother and I'm still working my tail off.  I won't lie and tell you I haven't carried resentment for that.  But I will tell you that with God's grace and His forgiveness, He HAS washed all my resentment and anger away.  It's a beautiful thing my friends.  I wish that for many of my loved ones... it's such an amazing peace.  

...but I'll save that story for another time... what I really wanted to write about today is why I feel the need to own everything in our home.  Because of my husband's career, he works outside the home Sun-Thurs and Wed and Sun nights he gets home around 10-11pm.  I wrangle all three kids by myself.  98% of the time, I am responsible for picking them up/dropping them off at daycare.  It's challenging.  (Don't get me wrong, before my husband leaves for work those days, he makes sure everything is ready to go for me at home.  Such a sweet sweet thing he does... ) There are some nights I have yelled so loudly at the kids - usually because I feel out of control - and my throat stings afterwards.  That is unacceptable.  But yet... when it comes down to the fact I want a haircut or a pedicure, I refuse to do it because I don't want to leave him home with the three kids while I go "relax" for 45 minutes.  Why do I feel the need to do that?  Is it because I don't want him to "go through" what I have to go through, so I'll just take it?  It certainly isn't because he can't do it... he can!  He's a wonderful father and perfectly intelligent and capable of caring for our babies.

I guess I have a hard time when people say "You deserve this!"  or "You need a break" because I *don't* feel like I deserve it.  I believe this is my job and what I *should* be doing and need to find the rewards in the little things....  anyone else feel like that?  I don't like the "you deserve this or that" because I don't feel we deserve anything... I think we reap what we sow and need to enjoy the time we have now.  I dunno... really looking for others to relate to here... would love any comments.

So many people tell me it's just a season!  But I don't like that... I don't want to look at my children as something that is "just a season that will soon pass" - I want to enjoy this season, and not be wishing for another one to show up so soon.

Time to try this again

Seems like my life is full of hiatus lately.  Hiatus from Facebook, Hiatus from certain family members, Hiatus from certain activities... 

I think it's good to take a step back sometimes and truly evaluate what we're doing and why.  I feel like lately, my life God is pulling me in a direction and I'm not quite sure of that direction.  I trust Him.  I will follow.

Follow... what does that mean?  That doesn't mean we sit here waiting.  It doesn't mean we lead.  It doesn't mean we just listen and don't GO.  I think that's the key word there... GO.  God wants us to GO.  He didn't tell us to sit there and wait for Him to show up.  He didn't tell us to stand in front of Him.  He didn't telll us just to listen to what He said. 

Matthew 28:16-20, " ¹⁶ Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. ¹⁷ When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. ¹⁸ Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. ¹⁹ Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, ²⁰ and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

I'm so great at excuses. I'm awesome at "waiting to see how it all plays out".  I'm a master at letting other people do it for me.  ....but some doubted.

It's time for me to GO.  I'm ready God... show me where you want me to GO.

God sent me an Angel

So hubby's in Albany, GA on a middle school's mission trip with church. He's organized a lot of it and I'm thrilled for him. My mom is in town helping me get the kids off to school and me to work every day.

Yesterday was a frustrating day. Nothing in particular at all, just a lot of frustration. I've been trying really hard to not lose my temper and get angry with the kids (yelling, etc) so as I was keeping myself in check, I sent hubby a text and said "Please pray for me." He called me right back and I was frustrated that he wanted to pray for me on the phone (see? I told you I was frustrated...) I said, "I'm trying to get Lil Brother to sleep. Don't pray with me. Pray FOR me. I gotta go." I lay down with Lil Brother and started to breathe and nurse him to sleep. All of a sudden I hear these footsteps across the tile and see this little head bob up to me on the bed.

Doodle: "Mommy? I uh... uh... I uh..."
(Now keep in mind, her staying in her room has been a big battle and she's been doing great with it lately.)
Me: *sternly* "What?"
Doodle: "I um...um..."
Me: *more sternly* "WHAT?"
Doodle: "I wanna teach you something."
Me: "Ok"
Doodle: She starts singing... "Arise and shine and give God the glory, glory. Arise and shine and give God the glory glory, Rise and shine and give God the glory, glory, Children, of the Lord."

I burst into tears. I grabbed her and told her that she was my GIFT from God and that she had made mommy's night so special.

Then I told her to get her booty in bed. :)

I texted hubby and said, "whatever you prayed, thanks... God sent me an Angel."

He called me back and said, "WHAT HAPPENED?!" I told him and he started tearing up. He said he felt the Holy Spirit leave his shoulder and rest on mine."

Thanks God for the reminder... :)

Journal 6/7 - Tired

When I'm tired, I show some very ugly colors.  The venom that spews from my mouth and the attitude I have just plain sucks and it hurts the very ones that I love the most.

I got 2 hours of sleep last night.  Robbie was tossing and turning all night and just miserable.  You could tell that he just wasn't comfortable.  It's either the diaper rash he's got going on or the fluid in his ears... or both.

I lost my temper with Robbie and with Rob this morning.  Rob heard me say something and call him a name and I don't remember that coming out of my mouth.  It wouldn't be the first time though that I said something in anger and then can't remember what it was.  It's like I have no memory of it... like blacking out after an alcohol binge.

I also have a tendancy to critizse things he does "incorrectly" however if anyone dares say anything to me, I am so quick to shoot it down or have something negative to say.

I've been told that anger is a secondary emotion.  It usually is a response emotion due to other circumstances.  

If I'm honest with myself, I can tell you exactly what those circumstances are....

• I am stressed out about this week at work.
• I got no sleep last night.
• I'm worried about Robbie.
• I'm worried about the financial ruin we're in.
• I'm scared to trust Rob and believe he's putting his family above all else.
• I'm worn down, tired and I feel beaten.

So Rob's idea about this journal is that I'll document what happens in the day and the look up a theme on BibleGateway and find a verse that discusses what I'm dealing with.

I found this one:

Isaiah 30: 20-21

²⁰ Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. ²¹ Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."

I am so tired of feeling sad and hurt.  I am so tired of feeling angry because of those emotions.  I really wish that I could feel some more of God's love today.  I really do.  Right now I feel so far away....

Journal 06/05

I should start off this post by stating how negative I was last night.  I had already made up my mind to NOT go to the beach with Rob and the girls because I had concocted up all these "possible events" of what might or might not happen.  Because of this negativity, I affected those around me.  I went to sleep with the negative in the back of my head and woke up with it too.  I could not WAIT for them to get out of the house so I could have a little peace and quiet.  Sure, I still had Robbie, but I had in my mind a few things I HAD to get done and couldn't do them sufficiently (in my negative head) with them around.

I was already frustrated with Rob from the night before because he was up until 2am on the computer.  Granted, harmless, but I know how he gets when he's tired.  (GRUMPY!)  The girls woke us up this morning and Robbie was still sleeping soundly next to me.  I was so frustrated that I was being woken up when in my head I had this grand idea I'd get to "sleep in."  Granted, I did get to and of course it didn't occur to me that Rob had already gotten up, got the girls ready for the beach, fed them breakfast, packed the car... etc.  I got up, put the girls' hair up in ponytails and helped put sunscreen on.  My mood was OK at that point but not great - not where I should be.  They left and I was FREE to do what I wanted to do.

I folded socks.

Yes.

I folded socks.  That's what I wanted to do.  So instead of having a beach day with my kids, I folded socks.

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't regret not going.  I was tired, Robbie was tired, it was good to be near a bed where I could just nurse him to sleep and I could read my book with no interruptions.

I got some laundry done, I picked up the girls' rooms, I DID get things done and I felt great after I did get those things done.

So then the kids get home with Rob and they've had a great time.  Chaos ensues just like it always does and my negativity comes back.  I make lunch for all of us (easy Pizza!) and Rob is in a foul mood.  You can tell he was trying not to be but he lost his nice flip flops on the beach and he was just mad at himself.  What I wanted to say was "Who cares about the dang flip flops!"  I feed off his moods like there's no tomorrow.  I shouldn't do that and I need to figure out a way around that.  Then he dropped his pizza all over the floor and stormed out.  Poor guy.  I then felt bad about the flip flops... and the pizza.

We said a few short things to one another that were not said with understanding, patience and kindness. Every single time I open my mouth and venom comes out, I regret it.

James 3:3 

Now when we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we also guide the whole animal. 

Jesus Christ's love needs to be my bit.

So anyway, the afternoon continues and it's mostly OK.  I still don't feel very good inside but I try to let things go.  I did yell a few times today at the kids (although justified that I got on to them for x,y,z, I didn't need to yell to accomplish it.

James 3:6-7 

And the tongue is a fire. The tongue, a world of unrighteousness, is placed among the parts of our [bodies]; it pollutes the whole body, sets the course of life on fire, and is set on fire by hell. For every creature—animal or bird, reptile or fish—is tamed and has been tamed by man.

We went to a family baby shower this evening and were surrounded by warm & friendly people.  We got home at bedtime and the kids are peacefully sleeping now.  I am tired.  My body is tired and my mind is tired.  It is time for me to rest.  The night has ended well.

2 Corinthians 6

Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; ⁵in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; ⁶in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; ⁷in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; ⁸through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; ⁹known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; ¹⁰sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything.

'Till tomorrow...

Simplify - Step 1

Maybe one day I'll go into the details.  Maybe I won't.

However, we've made the first step in simplifying our very material world.

We have gotten rid of the DVR ($8), the Digital HD Cable Package ($72) and went down to basic cable, 14 channels.  We will have internet but we just reduced our cable bill by half.

Step 1 - complete.

It's been a while

Wow, it's been a while hasn't it?  It feels like I have a lot to say but I'm not quite sure where to start.

Life has taken some turns.  None bad, but not easy either.  I've been angry, sad, happy, elated, scared - gosh it seems I'm all of those things all the time.  I've had some time to really sink down deep into my heart and see some ugly things about me that I know need to change.  I've also seen glimmers of home deep inside me that I cling to knowing that I'm going to make the right choices.

Rob's doing a student ministry internship right now.  It's unpaid but he's learning the ins and outs of student ministry and that's where he needs to be.  We are painfully broke.  Today was a turning point where we both realized it's time to focus on humility and with that I think we're going to make some big changes in our lives.  It's time to simplify.  I don't think we can truly grasp what God's trying to do with our lives if we continue to live the lifestyle we currently are living.

Work is going very well for me.  I really do enjoy what I do and I'm growing each day.

The kids are amazing.  Lil Brother is 7 months old, has four teeth and quite a funny personality.  He's a cuddly little guy and smiles ALL THE TIME.  Bug is 20 months old now and has blossomed.  She is such a trip.  She's starting to talk more and more and communicate well with us which causes less and less tantrums.  Doodle is 4 and boy is she a pistol.  She keeps us on our toes and keeps us humble for sure.

My relationship with my husband is amazing.  We have grown more this year than we ever have and I am so thankful to have a man like him in my life.

Dear Heavenly Father,  please guide me each day as I try to be more and more like Jesus.  I know that it's with Your forgiveness and grace that each day I fail, I seek You and there You are for me.  Every day I stumble.  Every day I need You.  Every day I need to feel Your love.  I am nothing without You.  I cannot be a good wife, a good mother or a good friend without You.  Help me remember to recognize that.  Help me control my tongue and my temper.  Help me love my husband, my children and friends the way Your Son loves us.

Baptism

We have had all three of our children baptized and I wanted to share pictures of that. (Maybe later I'll explain our beliefs regarding baptism of children.)

We had Hannah baptized in St. George Island, FL on the beach. 

This place has such significance to me.  Maybe I'll post about SGI soon.  

 We also had Robbie and Lily baptized at our local church where we are members.

My sweet Doodle turned 4!

My sweet and spirited Doodledunk is four.  She turned four yesterday and we celebrated over the weekend with my parents that came into town.  We also celebrated at her school yesterday with blueberry muffins we made the night before.  We luckily were able to piggyback on the Easter party they had a school and didn't need to go overboard.  My husband made a good call too.  We had bought $70+ dollars worth of trinkets, etc to go in homemade goody bags for her (31!!!) classmates but then rethought that decision that it just wasn't necessary and we're going to return the items.  I've never understood why other children get gifts on other kids' birthdays.  

We had been working Doodle up for her birthday for a few weeks now.  We would ask her over and over what she wanted for her birthday and she replied, Speed toys (Lightning McQueen, Cars toys), Dora and Boots, light-up shoes, a pink cake, pink icing and a four candle.  Oh, and an American flag (???).  

It was also our 6th anniversary this weekend so my parents came into town to watch the kids while hubby and I went out.  They got to enjoy the festivities for Doodle's birthday. My mom made a pink cake, pink icing and we had a "four candle". 

 

 
The only thing she didn't get was the American flag.  We're working on that...She also got the cutest phone.  It's a real phone, just a mini version and we hooked it up in the office. It's her grandparent hotline and she loves it.

A coworker let us have her bunk beds and an unused mattress for FREE!  (Thank you GC!)  We took her to Kohl's to pick out a new bedding set and she just thought she was hot stuff.  We ended up going with this set.  She was thrilled to have a big bed with big pillows and a big comforter.

After celebrating at school yesterday, hubby and I left the kids there to run home and do a few things that we usually do during the evenings.  I kind of felt guilty leaving them, but we knew we'd be tired after the evening's activities so I'm so thankful we decided to do that.  After 45 minutes at home, we turned around and picked them up, drove to Monkey Jungle and met my two friends from high school that are here visiting.  It had been since 2001 since I've seen them.  It was so great.  I just wanted to hug them and never let go.  They brought two of their three children and the kids had a blast playing around the place.

We left around 8pm (our kids' usual bedtime) and it was meltdown city.  As we were leaving, the employee gave Doodle a lollipop and we told her she could have it tomorrow.  She promptly took off the wrapper and licked it and daddy threw it away (for not obeying).  The entire way home she cried.  She informed us she wanted to be SIX, skip FIVE and be a grown up so she could drive.  Lil' Brother cried most of the way (he was overtired) and Bug fell asleep.  The only thing we could do was laugh.  Sometimes that's all you can do!

I think she had a fantastic birthday although I think the only thing she remembers is that daddy threw away her lollipop.  *smiles*

What a pretty town we live in...

My First Letter

I wrote my first letter.